Sunday, January 29, 2012

Narking out

Yep, you read that right.  I'm narking out...narking myself out that is.  Some people think I'm too open with my feelings, with my experiences, that I say or give too much info on myself.  I think this is a good thing as, I think, it helps others know they aren't the only one out their that has had to face this situation or overcome that obstacle.  I also think it's what helps me as a writer.  Since my main heroines have a bit of me in them, they come across as more relate-able.  Avery, from FINDING HOME, was more me than I realized.  Her hidden thoughts, ability to create a metaphor in the most normal scene, those are me.  

Anyway, back to this "I'm so open" train of thought.  Turns out the one person I need to be open with, myself, I'm not.  Nope, not even close.  I've lied to myself, been disillusioned and dishearten, all because the truths have been too painful to face. And this lying to myself has inadvertently made me lie to my readers. My reasoning for not having the next book out, though they sounded good to me at the time, were stalling tactics, lies to put off finishing the book and facing the inevitable truth.

The truth is, my next release (formerly called TAKING CHANCES, but now in the midst of a title change), well it's a sad way for a broken heart to get what it wanted so long ago.  This story is based on a real relationship I went through, but in my story when he picked the other woman he stayed with her.  This was my way, even fictitiously, to get the happily ever after I thought I could have with someone.  But in reading what I've written so far, all it has done is bring up memories of what will never be.  

And that is okay.  Finally.  The veil has been lifted, the illusion is over.  The reality is, I am still friends with this man.  We still IM or text occasionally, we still flirt and there is was a part of me that thought "who knows how our love story will end?"

But I know.  It ends with us married - to other people, it ends with me not putting him on such a pedistal or meassuring every man to the spontaneous, carefree 24 year old man he was.  I think the thing I loved (and I did love him in a rose-colored way), what I loved most about him was how he made me feel about ME!  He came at a time in my life when I was going through my first divorce.  I was 24yrs old and felt 50.  I was so bogged down in surviving and rebuilding a life for myself and my son, that I forgot to live and enjoy life.  He helped me do that, and I am grateful.  The brief 6 weeks we dated changed my life and have stayed with me for the last 9 years.  

In reality, I am not 24 years old, in fact I am 9 days away from turning 34! And my friend, for I do believe we can be friends, well he is married and is all about being the best daddy he can to his child.  He is still carefree, at least when we talk he seems to be, but it's no longer what I want.  Because sometimes carefree and responsible and a solid foundation don't mix. And it's why we didn't work out.

At least in fiction I can make it possible.  And that is why it's taken so long to get this book finished.  It is coming to terms with the 'what ifs", "why nots", and "never gonna happens".  At the end of the day, I am the one who has to remember and embrace the youthfulness in me, not put that burden on someone else to bring it out of me.  

I guess this way-too-long post is me being honest with myself once and for all.  He made his choice and I'm in a better place because of it.  Because I also made my choice to live life in the present and not in the past.  Now, I understand writing a book based on the past seems like an oxymoron, but I'm using that energy and those feelings from back then to create a story - a fictitious romance where the couple live happily ever after, as part of my present and future as a writer.

And maybe to a certain extent it is why I write romance.  Because in the end I am able to create a romance where the couple is happy with their soul mate.  Anyone who knows me knows romance with the right man has not been my strong suit.  But in a way I think it is working out.  For each failed attempt at forever I learn more about me, more about my spirit.  And each time I hear more and more of what my soul is looking for. 

Or it could be that I've been sick for three days and last night's peach maragrita's haven't worn off yet ... lol

Okay, I'm serious when I say this now ... back to writing!!  Because in the end, that is what really speaks to my soul.  I've been breaking the cardinal writing rule for awhile now (write - write every day).  But today is a new day and it's just close enough to my newest year for me to say that in the 34th year of my life, I did more writing and creating of the life (and love) that I want for myself.  

Now, enough of the nostalgic blathering and onto better hopefully a best seller!

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