Saturday, April 28, 2012

I've been negligent...

neg·li·gence (noun \ˈne-gli-jən(t)s\) : failure to exercise the care that a reasonably prudent person would exercise in like circumstances 


I have been negligent lately.  To my blog, to my writing, to my book promoting, and mostly to myself.  This business of self-publishing takes a lot of effort and mixed with the general daily adventures of being a mom/girlfriend/daughter/sister/aunt/friend/home-owner/employee...well it takes a lot out of a person.  Usually by the end of the day, after being busy trying to be/do the best for everyone else, I realize the one person I forgot was myself.


Now I will say, first and foremost, that in no way am I having a 'woe is me' moment.  This is simply me saying I got a lot on my plate - me and portion control need to become better friends (figuratively AND literally).  Sometimes I do my best thinking when I can write it out.  So that is what this is, writing out my thoughts to sort through the myriad of 'to-do' to find the balance.


So, HOW, you ask have I been negligent?  Ironically, others would see that I'm 'doing my best', 'being to hard on myself', etc.  But I have failed to exercise consideration in an effort to 'get by'.

I will say some of the neglect of my writing efforts (this blog included) in the last month have been due to the health issues of loved ones - and now myself.  My family will always come first and having to literally drop everything to be there for someone isn't even a thought for me. I won't go into the details of others health concerns, but making sure they know I am there for them has made me stop being there for other things.  And I don't regret a single moment, or any of the moments to come in the following months as they battle through their illnesses and disabilities.

As I mentioned, all this concern for other people and things (work, home, writing) have led to a major neglect of myself.  I finally heard my body screaming at me last month as it started to protest. Over the course of the last ten years it's made it's discontent known - anxiety attacks, hives, eye twitches, insomnia, weight gain/loss, insulin resistance, etc.  All in an effort to get me to stop stressing, chill out, slow down, and take a breath.  

Starting Wednesday, I have no choice but to do that for at least 5 days as I undergo surgery and recoup at home.  But even then, the Amy that can't just sit still is already chomping at the bit for when can I go back to work.  Now, it's only gall bladder surgery and barring no issues I've been told it's not that bad.  It's the laying around afterward I don't look forward to.

I have a feeling my DVR (at only 35% available capacity) will get a good cleanse, and hopefully some of the stories that have been forming in my head can find a home on some paper, then there is the digital stack of books in my Kindle (not to mention my actual bookshelves) that I would like to tackle.  All these things add to that 'to-do' list that never seems to stop growing.

One thing that has become abundantly clear lately is that I need to make a change.  Not something small either, not a resolution to forget about in a few weeks, but a drastic change and complete shift in the way my life is headed.

What brought about this urgency?  Well, hearing someone say I may have cancer definitely helped!  I don't have cancer, subsequent testing shows that except for the gall bladder, I am in reasonable health.  But I'm thinking if I continue to turn a blind eye to my ever increasing waistline that I will most definitely be heading for trouble.

I forget how good I feel, how good it is for my body, to give myself time to move.  Little known fact about me - when I am home alone, I LOVE turning on the radio and dancing.  Now, I will NOT dance in public readily, but close the doors, put on something with a good beat and it's Flashdance - Amy Style. I'm a maniac, I know! Having that time to forget about the 'stuff' and just let loose actually allows me to get clarity when I return to that never ending list.  It gives me perspective. I need to dance more!

So, I can hear you asking "what will you do?" Well, the short-term answer is 'deal with it', but the long-term answer is that life is going to be different.  For awhile now I have at least been clear on the life I want, the daily schedule and how I envision things.  But I have neglected to see what needs to be done today to get me to that tomorrow.

Things to do today are - 

1) take 5 minutes to just stare out at the world around me and see 'the bigger picture' as compared to the stress of the moment

2) pick small goals to help me feel as if I am really achieving something (even if as I achieve one thing I add another to the pile)

3) remember to smile and be grateful for this day. We never really know when our time is up.  It could be in a few months, years, decades, or I could fall going down the stairs in ten minutes and break my neck (just so I don't jinx myself I've now avoiding stairs for the rest of the day)

4) let the ones I love know what they mean to me. Sometimes people may think I don't care, that I seem aloof, but honestly I do care - a lot.  Sometimes that is part of my problem, worrying about everyone else.

5) read something inspiring, something that brings life into a new perspective.  Check out this great blog I found.  This adorable little girl is dealing with more in her first 5 months than I have in years.  It reminds me of a saying my Pappaw Miller used to say ' as bad as you think things are, someone is dealing with something worse.'  yet this family doesn't let that get them down, they embrace each day to its fullest - now THAT is inspiring!  Go Team Avery!!

I guess at the end of another long-winded post, what I'm trying to say is I realize that I need to stop sweating the small stuff.  I need to see the accomplishments I have every day and not get distracted by the mountains around me.  One day, very soon if I have my way, life will regain a sense of balance.  


That balance starts with me getting myself right, back on track, and staying strong and firm on the path ahead.  Being wishy-washy, caving in, and letting others sway me only throws me off course.

So I'm going to get off here, cross some things off my 'to-do' (groceries, laundry, cleaning, writing, deleting another movie off the DVR), and find a few moments to enjoy this amazingly chaotic, hectic, frighteningly blissful journey called LIFE.

Happy traveling my friends, until we meet again - hopefully some time next week after the narcotics have worn off and I'm feeling better.

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