Sunday, February 10, 2013

Behind the curtain...

I try very hard to keep my private life out of my professional writing life, the snippets I have given have been small and basic knowledge to anyone who really knows me.  Now in my private life, I've had to do the reverse and not bombard them with my professional writing life.  My family and friends are all supportive and pass along info via my FACEBOOK AUTHORS PAGE, but I stopped duplicating the info onto my private page.

I say this about private vs. professional because at the moment, private matters have kept me from writing like I really want.  First and foremost I will say I do not want to bash or name-call or talk down, in this situation it is what it is. 

For the last almost 2 1/2 years I have been in a relationship.  He moved in with me very shortly after we began dating and for the better part of the 2 1/2 years, we have begun to try and build a life together.  Just shy of a year in is when I became self-published.  I knew at that time my life would change course, I just didn't know how much.  I also didn't know how unsupportive my significant other would be about my endeavors.

It has been a constant struggle lately and I haven't been writing because I was made to feel guilty and neglectful by wanting to take time and write and live my passion.  So I stepped back for awhile ... and it didn't make a difference. 

Friday was my 35th birthday!  I spent it treating myself like I matter, pampering myself like I haven't in a long time.  It felt good, I felt more me.  It felt so good that when I got home I realized the relationship wasn't good for any of us.  Yesterday I asked my ex to leave.  Things got heated, parts of the night reminded me of several plots I have...kind of surreal.

But I am fine, my son is fine, and we are ready to move forward and find happiness again.  I don't mean romantic happiness either.  I mean happiness within myself, to feel good about who I am, what I do, and how I am with others.  I was called all kinds of names, but I'm willing to go through it if it means I am moving forward into a healthier more positive environment for myself and my son.  Never, EVER, let anyone make you feel less than what you are - embodied light and love!

So I'm going to be taking a few more days to sift through the past 2 1/2 years, box things up, and hope the ex goes peacefully.  Then, I am getting back to being happy.  I am excited to have more positivity in our home, I am looking forward to enjoying family and friend time and not have to be made to feel guilty, but mostly I am at peace with my decision to end things. 

With all this drama going on, obviously, the launch date for Down for the Count has been pushed back.  Fingers crossed that come mid-March I may have something to the editor, who knows, maybe all the free time I will have will get the book done sooner.  Either way, 2013 truly is about following my passion, living a healthy and positive life, and sharing my gifts and love with others.

There is a quote that helped me through 2 divorces, a lot of early life upheaval, and I know it will help me through this...."I am not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be."

Here is a poem I wrote once about getting over a lost love...seems fitting today, just in a different way.  I had hoped and dreamed for a lasting life with my ex, but I see now that isn't possible if we want to truly be happy.  Letting go was the right thing to do ... for both of us.

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