Monday, August 12, 2013

The Ever-Changing Path of Life

Wow...needless to say, this year has NOT gone how I planned it.  Not with writing, or romance, or any number of goals I set for myself.  I've struggled with it since I am a notorious goal setter...and overachiever.  But I think this year has turned into me learning that it's okay to not plan and just enjoy the ride.

As you may know, this year started with the ending of a relationship.  The toll it took on my mental space was far greater than I thought. It really made me reassess what I want in a partner.  As a writer, it also made me think about the qualities my characters would be looking for.  I am so guilty of going for the bad boy, the introvert, the loner...when what I really need is NOT that kind of man.  How many of us find ourselves being with the exact opposite of what we really want?  Why do we do that?  I think part of it is the fear of really getting what we NEED and not knowing what to do with it.

I tried to dip my toe back into the dating pool...or at least the online dating pool.  I don't know about anyone else, but it felt like I was catalog shopping.  Yep, no, maybe, totally, oh hell no!  Yeah, that really sums up browsing the profiles for me.  Which is why, after less than 2 months of browsing, I deleted the profile and decided the person I want to invest the most in is myself.

This is the first extended period of time in my life where I haven't been in a relationship or been trying to get into one.  I have truly enjoyed the freedom that comes with independence.  Sure it sucks late at night to look across a big empty bed. But I no longer have that thought of 'I better find someone so I don't end up alone.' No more settling.

My mentality on finding love has changed.  I'm not forcing myself to 'find' it...maybe I'm taking the lazy approach of waiting for it to find me.  Or maybe, just maybe, love really is like lost keys.  We search and search for them and can't find them anywhere, but the second we throw our hands in the air and give up, we sit down and look over and there they are...in front of us all that time, but our minds were clouded with other thoughts and missed them.  Yeah, I think that about sums it up.

I'm also looking at it from an optimistic view.  The Old Amy would have boo-hooed that here I was another day without the love of my life, another lonely night. Of course the old Amy would have made a mixed tape of sappy love songs (thank God that phase ended when high school did!!)! But now I see it more as 'ok so he didn't happen to show up today, that just means I'm one day closer to meeting him.'  This mental shift really has helped.  And to know what I deserve....that has helped me to not cave or give in to someone that I know is no good for me.

Now, how does all this translate over to my writing?  Horribly to be truthful.  I mean the romantic idealist in me translates fine to storytelling.  But I find it hard to want to write about someone else finding love when it's been so absent for me.  Maybe I need to remember the old adage of 'Those who can't do - teach '...in this case 'write'.  See, horrible, just like I said.

But something happened a few weeks ago that started to pull back that shade.  I am not taking this as a sign that THIS is the man I am supposed to be with (especially because he is already taken and that just isn't my style to mess with another woman's man).  Anyway, I met this man in passing and the moment we were face-to-face I had the startling thought of 'I could so marry a guy like this.'  That lightning bolt thought did several things....it scared the hell out of me, it re-ignited that passionate spark in me, and it opened the door to my imagination where all those romance scenes had been laying dormant.

So maybe now I need to get back into my head, live vicariously through my characters, and know by putting out that 'being in love' energy that somehow the universe will see I'm more ready for the real thing than I have ever been before.

Maybe it's because I'm 35 years old and have kissed enough frogs, maybe it's me realizing my worth and value and wanting to find someone who sees the same, maybe it's me being tired of boys and needing a man.  A man who knows who he is, what he wants, where he's going, and the kind of woman he wants to take on the journey with him.  Even better if I am that woman...lol

So here I've done another rambling about my life and what hasn't been right in it, but at the end of the day, I know it is all right.  So what if this year fell off course, the path I landed on seems to be even more enlightening than what I had in store for myself.  In the end I can't see that as a bad thing.

I'll leave with this - sometimes you have to put those go-getter goals on the shelf and just ENJOY life...laugh more, endulge in a few drinks, flirt, dance, open up, be in the moment, and embrace it.  I have no doubt my path will turn again and I will merge onto the road I have charted for myself.  Because at the end of the journey, I am a writer and no matter how far off I get, I will always come back to that place.  With every step I am getting closer.

I guess I just wanted the fans to know I am still here.  And if you have ever found yourself off course and stressing about it, may I suggest that you just go with it for a little bit.  The currents may take you into amazing waters you could have never imagined.  Give yourself the gift of being in the moment, don't look back, and know that this amazing, twisting and turning, universe is leading you exactly where you need to be.

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