Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Reaching out for help

So life has given me another turn.  This time I have no choice but to admit that I need help.  I have created a GoFundMe campaign, but I am honestly embarrassed to have to ask for help.

Anyone who really knows me knows I am a survivor, a fighter, an overcomer.  Since 2002,  I have had to literally start over after two divorces, the first of which was a very bad situation that I left with my son and the second of which was a heartbreaking experience when my groom of 14 months decided he'd married the wrong woman.

I made it through those, I've fought back and had a good life.  I have my own home, a Jeep, I was paying bills and trying to make a go of being a writer.  That, in truth, put me in the hole, but I kept at my passion.  I was able to pay bills on time and chip away (slowly) at debt I'd gained.

As some of you know, in December I met a great man.  Keith is the partner I have always prayed for.  He recognizes the strong, independent woman in me and respects her.  He treats me and my son with love and kindness and I would do anything for him.  I look forward to some day marrying him and continuing our life together.

We began living together earlier this year and things were going good.  In April he unexpectedly got let go from his temp factory job.  We didn't panic (at first) as he applied for work closer to home.  When no calls came back, or it took weeks to hear anything, money quickly seems to run through our fingers.  Taking on his debt in the short term didn't seem bad, but as the weeks went by it was clear there was no where near enough to cover the necessities.  I stopped paying on my own old debt to try and help, I took out several pay day loans (I know they are terrible, but in a crisis we didn't see any option), I even had to ask my mother to help.  I HATE asking for help, I feel inadequate and it does nothing to elevate the stress I have been under.

Then things began to look up.  He interviewed at a factory and did well on their testing, they said he was a top prospect and they would call him after the holiday (Memorial day), but they never called.  While we waited he found work helping deliver pizzas and things seemed as though they were on the verge of improving.

Then two weeks ago, our world (his world more than anything) was turned upside down.  A small wound on his finger because infected.  He was admitted to the hospital and was on IV antibiotics for a week.  We were told had we not gone to the ER when we did, he could have died (seriously, I couldn't even write how this entire thing unfolded!)!  He ended up having to have emergency surgery on his hand and the doctor had no choice but to sever the tendon.  We were told at the time there would be 'some' loss of function, but the reality is he has lost use of 3 fingers on his right hand.  His left had was already weaker due to injuries sustained in a terrible car accident two years ago. Before all this, he'd been a welder for nearly 25 years, he loved working on cars, shooting his gun ... all those things may not be possible for him any longer.  PT has not helped and we have faced the truth that he may never get use back and will have to go on disability.

In the meantime, bills are piling up.  My mortgage is over a month behind, as is his car payment, home phone/internet are being shut off this week (which could be a blessing as I will not be able to surf the web when trying to write).

I work full-time, but it was just barely enough for my son and myself.  I haven't sold any books in over two months.  I can't pay my editor to even get books out.  I just accepted a part-time overnight/weekend job at a shelter near me, but I doubt it will be enough to help us until his disability starts.

My own health has suffered through this as well.  I have been depressed, have not been sleeping well, and have an ulcer from stressing.  My boyfriend, and my counselor, are both concerned that this stress/lack of sleep will have terrible consequences on my health.  I feel like all I do is pray .... or cry ... or pray and cry at the same time.

I know God has bigger plans than where we are right now.  But things have never been so hard.  I know I have so much to be grateful for and I try and focus on this things, but when the phone is ringing constantly with bill collectors and the mortgage lender, I have anxiety every time my phone buzzes.

I don't mean to dump my sob story on you, I know we all have troubles.  And as I said, asking for help hurts my heart, but I have no choice right now.  If you or anyone you know could help, that would be amazing.  I am grateful in advance for anything, and regardless if I reach my goal or not I will continue to be grateful and focus on the good in this.  I am thankful my boyfriend survived what could have been a life-threatening injury, I am thankful for the few hours here and there I can sleep, I am thankful for my son and being able to distract myself from everything whenever he is around and making me laugh.

Again, I'm sorry to be a downer.  This is my truth right now.  We need help.  Some of these things are why I haven't written ... who really can write happiness in the face of this kind of stress?  But I'm trying to get back to a good place in my heart, mind, and life.

I pray you do not think poorly of me for removing the curtain and showing my real life.