Monday, January 30, 2017

Year of the Cannonball

Back at the beginning of 2017, I posted about wanting to reset the year and talked briefly on some goals I've set for myself. Well we are a few weeks deeper into the year and I realize I need to really go deep...dive right into the deep end without overthinking or analyzing the death out of my choices...I need to hold my breath, cannonball right in, get my baring, and come to the surface....just to climb out and do it again and again.

I know, you were totally wondering what that whole blog title was about....cannonball? Say wha...?

But think about it - if life is about choices, it's even more so about living with the consequences.  Sometimes it's fun and carefree, like cannon-balling into a warm pool. Like Mary Catherine Gallagher just jumping right in because she's a born superstar?!!!

Then there are the other times it's a total nightmare f*&^fest of exploding mortars everywhere....I'm only talking metaphorically, though there are so many places in the world where that is the ever present reality.

I've lived too many years with those proverbial grenades, lost so much sleep, cried so many tears waiting for the heartbreak to end or appear because I just knew it would eventually. It's the waiting for the other shoe, to not only drop, but to be chucked at my head with laser-like accuracy at lighting-fast speed. If it comes to fight or flight, well I've been too stupid to run.  I've stressed myself, allowed my emotions and mental health to be battered and bruised, I've even so far all but stood right in front of a cannon while the fuse was being lit - determined to stop it, determined this time would be different.

For the love of cheese and lattes!  Those last few paragraphs were bleak ... but true interpretations to how I've seen life sometimes.  With more darkness then light, thought I was doing everything to be a light.  I see where I am today, see the woman in the mirror, and the damage is clear....the excess weight, the slouching shoulders of defeat....I am not who I thought I would be at this point.

So let me lob another cannon ball right through that and break this funk out of here.  Year of the Cannonball? Yes...year of the cannon ball indeed.  Because I'm not delusional enough to think I will totally succeed and transform into this mega awesome Super Amy in the next 365 days.  I know I will try and fail sometimes.  And sometimes it will feel like I'm failing all of the time...but really, as long as I am trying - is it really failing?

So what started this talk?  Shonda Rhimes and her Year of Yes.  It's all your fault Shonda!  For being honest and open and facing your fears and putting yourself out there to become even more than you could imagine....how dare you?!?!?!?! (in the off chance she reads this I totally kid....you are only guilty of writing a fabulously blatant book that I used to set a fire under my ass).

Click the link to get the book, get the audiobook, get the journal....get it all and listen, listen, listen to it over and over and over.  For realz, my copy of the Year of Yes Journal was just ordered and I can not wait to get it and turn the pages and write the possibilities into it and put them into action.  If you should surround yourself with good people, than I want Shonda to be my person (and yes I totally stole that from her Cristina!).

Therefore, I give to you my attempt at a year of yes in the form of the Year of the Cannonball.  And believe me, I am jumping right in. The journal should be here February 1st, just a week shy of my 39th birthday....that seems as good as a time than any to roll up my sleeves and really get to work on bringing out that Amy that I know is in there...the fearless, feisty, go-getter I was before divorce and debt and drama all brought me down....damn those Ds!!!

There are so many things I want to tackle this year in addition to what comes up, but I know if I try to do them all at once I will fail, give up, and stare longingly at a journal full of Yes until my mind decides to stop taking NO for an answer.

First things first....me and social media are going to be scaling back our quality time.  Just to think of the hours I waste scrolling, liking, sharing things (not all bad), when I could be writing, walking outside, spending time in actual conversation, or writing a real letter.....it's time to strip it down.  So as of Wednesday, I'm limiting my times on all platforms....don't worry - Sunday is still my day to write here (sorry I'm a day late).

I think two hours each Sunday to blog/social media blast for promotional purposes is sufficient.  And I'm giving myself 30 minutes a day.  I have it on my calendar and everything. Lunchtime is very limited, so it will be a perfect reason to not get engrossed in everything.  I'll say my happy birthdays, congrats on babies and such, give support where I can, but otherwise I won't be trolling.

One step at a time....or one cannon ball at a time.  I hope my friends and family understand if I seem distant, it isn't you, it's totally me...stuck in my head, trying to get out, trying to get back to who and what I want to be....because if you were honest with me, you know I'm right.  Not that I want to be right that I am fat and have become lazy or aloft....but in order to get to the truth you gotta say it plainly...so there ya have it.

I know cutting down on social media doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is.  As someone always fearful of disappointing others - it's actually a SUPER big deal.  "What if they realize I didn't like their post? Will they think I'm mad at them?" "If I don't share that video, will they think I'm being mean?" "If I don't join their book club/weight loss challenge/online mom group, will they think that I think I am too good for them???"

To release myself from those pressures (even if only in my head) frees up a lot of space for me....that's space I can fill with dialog and romance and scenes....for books of course, though I'll probably make time for the real thing too....it's all part of the yes...that cannon ball into the sky to see where it lands, how it lands, how good it feels when it hits.

Stay tuned!!!

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